进入七月下旬

已经许久未尝到sweet talk 对我来说 宝贝儿 与 我爱你 绝不是形式化 而我也要去习惯可能不太容易再听到 。 Sweet talk 不是我常表达的 因为它是专属 而我把它给了你 却没问你喜欢不喜欢 当然你也没问我喜不喜欢不在给这个专属了。 难道人都是如此被迫长大的吗 我的心隐隐作痛 我希望那些专属依然给你。 而我有任何抱怨都是我的事 如果可以 我想我已经成为自己的情人 没错 就是这样。 我的爱人 你在长大 而我还是过去那个懵懂的小调皮 我有很多要和你说 只是我已不确定你是否还有那个时候的感动了 你

六月(自我检讨报告)还是没法控制住眼泪

我不是没life, 当一个人过的非正常时有些行为已经不大正常了。
我大概投资了两年一直让自己身体康复 毕竟有些事只能自己做。
我爱上了爱 但同时也和不自信做了朋友。

我从来都没那么渴望变的有多么平常 但是这个想法从我毕业后就已经扎根了。
我希望健康美丽自信的去见到我的爱 然后开始我们的生活旅程
但是不平衡的心理压着我 让我要定期去达到我自己设定的目标
但是外在因素 不是我可以控制的 即使是我本身的健康与外貌。
接触冥想时的原因是世俗和自私的, 我想健康 变的更好 心态好 人好,吸引更多好的人和事, 所以并不是像佛陀那样只是等待醒悟之时。
但我如今阅读的已经和更高的意识挂钩了 我是比较畏惧 毕竟我还没有慧根到遁入空门 不敢也不想, 但是我理解为什么会想 因为放空的世界是得到内心永恒的平静 就像唐三藏那样 拒绝外来世俗的诱惑。

再者要完全抛开自己在意别人对自己的看法绝非一朝一夕的修为
我想是不是我适当的回避就好
越是在意的人越难避开
因为从根本上还是想在意
没有比这个还矛盾了吧
我相信我在任何人面前都很酷
唯独我感觉在他的面前很不酷

这个错误的想法 我还是常常想到
甚至用过多的办法想要和他分享这一切
很显然过多显得刻意
比如
今天早上我听到的是他说那东西适可而止多了会失去很多生活乐趣
我真的很难受 我内心很埋怨他怎么会那么不体贴我
难道他不知道如果我不放松 不冥想 那他那般被动 我估计已经气晕了呀 再说 没健康 还怎么去找他啊
而他看足球熬夜和我交流没活力难道不得适可而止
我说调皮 他说那是男人的生活时 我已经气哭到说不出话了
当然 这只是我个人想法

Babe’s birthday gift turned out great (personalized thermos) 2014

I think it’s much easier to pick out gifts for girls (cuz I’m a girl, duh), not so easy for guys. If my boyfriend is around, i could easily prepare something homemade or just prepare a cake for him, but he’s many thousand miles away.

This thermos was given to him after the birthday, well, I did try to be creative and I surprised him with it (I think I did lol).
The best part was coming up with the poem.

This turned out great, now I want one too.

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进入六月 大智慧 it was very painful to recognize my flaws but I did it.

这个月收获很大 我要感谢很多人事物 一下子想不到那么多

我写了一篇文章

First recognition

I was born in a small village in southern China where people in the village really know each other and they gossip a lot, especially if one is outside of the norm, which I was. I was born premature but soon but soon grew up to be the biggest girl in the school.

Even as a little girl, I’ve been conscious about the way I look, how I should dress, what was considered proper and what wasn’t. I guess I picked up those consciousness from my mother.

I remember one time during a physical exam, the doctor warned my mother that I would be more likely going to have intellectual disability than a child with average weight. That thought stuck with me and I was terrified that I wouldn’t do well in school. However, I wasn’t crying about my weight at that time because I heard that if you get taller, you’ll lose your baby fat. My belief was strong and I was feeling beautiful up until one time when I heard this mother made a comment to her child saying “if you eat anymore, you would look like her,” she pointed to me, who was a complete stranger to her. I was only 7 or 8 at that time. I started to feel not so comfortable in my body and I knew that I didn’t want the attention that I was getting. I started to not like the place and the people who live there and when I found out that we are moving to the United States, I was so happy and joyful. I later realized life wasn’t any easier in this new place, but it became more challenging. I had to learn the new language and fit myself in. I would spend time perfecting my accent and making sure no one knows that I wasn’t born in this country. Even with all of my hard work, I felt that I was still that outcast and that feeling got more stronger as I hit around the age of puberty. My first year’s menstrual cycle wasn’t regular and after seeing a private physician, I she told me that I was not going to get any taller at age 12 standing 5’2″ I was devastated because that would mean: I could no longer lose the weight. Regardless of those devastating thoughts, busy daily activities and school life had kept me busy and life moved and I continued to battle my weight. I experienced first weight loss in my sophomore year in high school using a diet pill. It wasn’t my first diet program but it was the first one helped me shed pounds. I became really happy; I was exercising and eating healthy and I was able to get my weight down to a lot healthy range, I was still overweight but no longer obese. About a year and half of this weight loss pill, the FDA ordered a formulation change for it because there were people reporting serious health conditions associated with this so-called the nonprescription natural weight loss pill. I was devastated again and continued to use it for another year or so, but my weight just couldn’t come off and I was eating salads. By the time I finished high school, I gained about 15lbs since my lowest weight and life wasn’t too bad as I continued to look for more magic pills.

In the two years following high school, I gained all the weight back plus a bonus, going from 143lbs to 234lbs in two short years and people literally couldn’t recognize me and honestly I didn’t want them to. My high school friends would ask me to hang out during the time I was attending college but I couldn’t make myself go because I was so ashamed. One time, my father’s cousin came and asked my father whether he has two daughters and that was very difficult for me to accept but I knew I was going to be obese again. During that time, I did pick up a copy of Jon Gabriel’s book, the gabriel method, but I couldn’t relax and I honestly didn’t really believe in what I could do with my imagination. After Jon’s book, I remember what I read in high school, in was the time when I was preparing to take SAT and I was a slow reading so I browsed for ways to improve my memory and concentration and I came to a program by Paul Scheele, photoreading. At that time, I did read about but it went over my head and I wasn’t convinced and I didn’t think my weight has anything to do with subconscious mind. I was once again back to using shear force for weight loss. I made myself take yoga in hope to lose weight, but didn’t drop a pound from that so I quit after a semester. I was too occupied with everything in life and every semester in school I would worry that I wouldn’t have enough money to cover my tuition and I would drop out before graduation. I created this mental starvation in my mind, thinking about not having enough money to pay tuition and unable to finish college and I became very exhausted day to day. My aim was very straight though, I told myself, I would worry about the weight after I get my BA degree and in the mean time, I fell in love with man across the sea, he just came into my life and I felt that I’ve found my soulmate. However, I couldn’t tell him what I was going through internally and I’ve never utter a word about my weight after seeing his ex girlfriend, I found out that he’s more attracted to a slender woman. Two years following my graduation, I spent all the time and energy to get in shape because I Felt that as long I have those extra weight, I would be no attraction to him and I stuck with this thought very firmly up until two months ago when I got sick and broke out with hives. The hives became reoccuring event in my daily life and I became very anxious and sensitive and I could no longer use my shear force to control my temper, though I was using hypnosis to help me relieve those symptoms, I was still angry at my limitations. When I checked my symptoms online, I got really scared at the result and I didn’t have the money to reach out to a medical professional, plus conventional ones weren’t so good anyway. In response to my fear, I acted differently and people, especially the ones who care about me, noticed it no matter how hard I was trying to disguise. All of my cells were calling out for help and I knew there must be a way out. Since I’m subscribed to Jon Gabriel’s newsletter, I got a invitation to participate in this year’s Hay House World Summit and boy I just couldn’t wait to explore what I have after realizing how the universe is unlimited and we are the projection of our thoughts and how I can heal myself. Within two days of this summit, this man that I’m in love with for four years had told me: “I feel your positivity, keep it that way.” Before listening to this summit, my thoughts were concentrated on how I am going to get better in the future date and my knowledge and thoughts were scattered. Now I’m able to bring everything together. It’s everything that I already know but I’ve been ignoring them. I have many plans for my future and I wish to reach out for more people as I document my very own journey right now. I’m a bilingual and I feel that returning to my country is a must because young people over there need to hear about this. Thank you Hay House for letting me know that I’m from a brilliant source and full of possibilities.