进入六月 大智慧 it was very painful to recognize my flaws but I did it.

这个月收获很大 我要感谢很多人事物 一下子想不到那么多

我写了一篇文章

First recognition

I was born in a small village in southern China where people in the village really know each other and they gossip a lot, especially if one is outside of the norm, which I was. I was born premature but soon but soon grew up to be the biggest girl in the school.

Even as a little girl, I’ve been conscious about the way I look, how I should dress, what was considered proper and what wasn’t. I guess I picked up those consciousness from my mother.

I remember one time during a physical exam, the doctor warned my mother that I would be more likely going to have intellectual disability than a child with average weight. That thought stuck with me and I was terrified that I wouldn’t do well in school. However, I wasn’t crying about my weight at that time because I heard that if you get taller, you’ll lose your baby fat. My belief was strong and I was feeling beautiful up until one time when I heard this mother made a comment to her child saying “if you eat anymore, you would look like her,” she pointed to me, who was a complete stranger to her. I was only 7 or 8 at that time. I started to feel not so comfortable in my body and I knew that I didn’t want the attention that I was getting. I started to not like the place and the people who live there and when I found out that we are moving to the United States, I was so happy and joyful. I later realized life wasn’t any easier in this new place, but it became more challenging. I had to learn the new language and fit myself in. I would spend time perfecting my accent and making sure no one knows that I wasn’t born in this country. Even with all of my hard work, I felt that I was still that outcast and that feeling got more stronger as I hit around the age of puberty. My first year’s menstrual cycle wasn’t regular and after seeing a private physician, I she told me that I was not going to get any taller at age 12 standing 5’2″ I was devastated because that would mean: I could no longer lose the weight. Regardless of those devastating thoughts, busy daily activities and school life had kept me busy and life moved and I continued to battle my weight. I experienced first weight loss in my sophomore year in high school using a diet pill. It wasn’t my first diet program but it was the first one helped me shed pounds. I became really happy; I was exercising and eating healthy and I was able to get my weight down to a lot healthy range, I was still overweight but no longer obese. About a year and half of this weight loss pill, the FDA ordered a formulation change for it because there were people reporting serious health conditions associated with this so-called the nonprescription natural weight loss pill. I was devastated again and continued to use it for another year or so, but my weight just couldn’t come off and I was eating salads. By the time I finished high school, I gained about 15lbs since my lowest weight and life wasn’t too bad as I continued to look for more magic pills.

In the two years following high school, I gained all the weight back plus a bonus, going from 143lbs to 234lbs in two short years and people literally couldn’t recognize me and honestly I didn’t want them to. My high school friends would ask me to hang out during the time I was attending college but I couldn’t make myself go because I was so ashamed. One time, my father’s cousin came and asked my father whether he has two daughters and that was very difficult for me to accept but I knew I was going to be obese again. During that time, I did pick up a copy of Jon Gabriel’s book, the gabriel method, but I couldn’t relax and I honestly didn’t really believe in what I could do with my imagination. After Jon’s book, I remember what I read in high school, in was the time when I was preparing to take SAT and I was a slow reading so I browsed for ways to improve my memory and concentration and I came to a program by Paul Scheele, photoreading. At that time, I did read about but it went over my head and I wasn’t convinced and I didn’t think my weight has anything to do with subconscious mind. I was once again back to using shear force for weight loss. I made myself take yoga in hope to lose weight, but didn’t drop a pound from that so I quit after a semester. I was too occupied with everything in life and every semester in school I would worry that I wouldn’t have enough money to cover my tuition and I would drop out before graduation. I created this mental starvation in my mind, thinking about not having enough money to pay tuition and unable to finish college and I became very exhausted day to day. My aim was very straight though, I told myself, I would worry about the weight after I get my BA degree and in the mean time, I fell in love with man across the sea, he just came into my life and I felt that I’ve found my soulmate. However, I couldn’t tell him what I was going through internally and I’ve never utter a word about my weight after seeing his ex girlfriend, I found out that he’s more attracted to a slender woman. Two years following my graduation, I spent all the time and energy to get in shape because I Felt that as long I have those extra weight, I would be no attraction to him and I stuck with this thought very firmly up until two months ago when I got sick and broke out with hives. The hives became reoccuring event in my daily life and I became very anxious and sensitive and I could no longer use my shear force to control my temper, though I was using hypnosis to help me relieve those symptoms, I was still angry at my limitations. When I checked my symptoms online, I got really scared at the result and I didn’t have the money to reach out to a medical professional, plus conventional ones weren’t so good anyway. In response to my fear, I acted differently and people, especially the ones who care about me, noticed it no matter how hard I was trying to disguise. All of my cells were calling out for help and I knew there must be a way out. Since I’m subscribed to Jon Gabriel’s newsletter, I got a invitation to participate in this year’s Hay House World Summit and boy I just couldn’t wait to explore what I have after realizing how the universe is unlimited and we are the projection of our thoughts and how I can heal myself. Within two days of this summit, this man that I’m in love with for four years had told me: “I feel your positivity, keep it that way.” Before listening to this summit, my thoughts were concentrated on how I am going to get better in the future date and my knowledge and thoughts were scattered. Now I’m able to bring everything together. It’s everything that I already know but I’ve been ignoring them. I have many plans for my future and I wish to reach out for more people as I document my very own journey right now. I’m a bilingual and I feel that returning to my country is a must because young people over there need to hear about this. Thank you Hay House for letting me know that I’m from a brilliant source and full of possibilities.

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